I have been very busy lately which has caused me to neglect my blog. I got a new job and we put an offer in on a house. The offer was approved and we are due to close on August 28th. We have so much to do before then. We still have to find a lawyer. We are getting home insurance quotes and the home inspection is scheduled for July 10th. We are cutting it close with the home inspection as we have to have a list of things to negotiate on based on the home inspection by that evening.
I am having trouble sleeping from all of the stress which I know is a horrible thing for me. Sleep issues can trigger an episode of depression or mania. My husband wanted me to talk to my psychiatrist prior to the problems getting like this. We discussed that I would do it at my next appointment. I only have to wait it out until July 19th. I will talk to my therapist about it as well and I meet with him today.
I have been having catastrophic thoughts lately. My anxiety is high. Often, the thoughts are that my son will die of SIDS. I’ll wake up and he won’t be breathing. It’s terrifying. My therapist said part of it is that things are going so well I need something to worry about. We talked about the fact that I don’t know what it’s like to spend a day without worrying during our last session. We also talked about the fact that a lot of this stems from the past trauma that I experienced.
We came to the realization that I have had a lot of uncertainty and instability in my life in the past. Often, I had legitimate worries that lead to me worrying all the time. Now, I need to worry. We also talked about my need to have control of things. I have worked so hard on radical acceptance, but it still feels like things are chaotic when I don’t have control. I feel like I’m free falling. We talked about the fact that I don’t trust things to work out because they haven’t so often in the past. He said I need to learn to trust things – to trust people. It’s so hard to do.
I start the new job on Saturday. I have been taking my son to classes at the new job. He seems to enjoy it, but he’s not getting everything I wish he was out of it. He has been eating at the start of class which means he misses part of the class. He is only 4 months old though so I have to pay attention to his cues.
I am looking forward to this job as I think the experience will help me with my long-term career goal of working as a preschool teacher. I need to get back to school to get my masters degree in order to do so which we can’t afford right now. The job will help me save for that and help me learn developmental milestones of 0-5 year old children. I’ll get the hands-on experience of working with those age groups as well.