Ponderings expressed in song lyrics

I went to see Barenaked Ladies recently. It was my 9th show and I always have a blast. It isn’t the same since Steven Page left especially since they could never perform my favorite song, Break Your Heart, without him. None of them has the voice for it. In fact, the Barenaked Ladies and Persuasions album had a better version of Old Apartment than the one Ed sings because of the voice the man in the Persuasions has. It has a richer more soulful sound and I think he did a better job hitting the high notes.

Pinch Me

Anyway, I was thinking about the following lyrics from Pinch Me which was written by Steven Page and Ed Robertson. Sadly, there have been periods that I could relate to this, especially during periods of deep depression:

“On an evening such as this
It’s hard to tell if I exist
If I packed a car and leave this town
Who’ll notice that I’m not around?”

I have seriously contemplated who would miss me if I wasn’t around or if I would be less of a burden if I just left. This was a serious symptom of my postpartum mood disorder. I regularly wanted to leave. I wonder if there will always be periods, always be episodes, where I will wonder if I exist, where I will wonder if people just won’t notice that I am gone.

I know this is a pretty depressing and introspective post, but I honestly have had these thoughts and feelings. It’s as though someone was able to delve into the depths of my brain and say what I have thought and felt and been too afraid to say.

Perhaps, it’s just me, but I’ve always found music therapeutic and this is just one example of this. It really made me think about these periods as I was sitting there having an amazing time at this concert. So, for today, I will continue to keep these lyrics in mind knowing there’s a time where they will help me through.

My adventures, failures, and successes

It has been a long time since I have written about myself. In the past 3 years, I have not only had a second child while seeing my other son grow, but I have also had my share of ups and downs with my illness.

After O, my youngest, was born, I ended up with serious mood issues. In fact, I started having hallucinations and I was so depressed and anxious. I got sent to this AMAZING partial hospital program for women with perinatal mood disorders and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I brought my baby with me and the therapists helped me bond with my son and gave me the skills that I needed in order to be the mother that I wished to be. It is one of 2 programs of it’s kind and I cannot say how grateful I am to have had that opportunity. They also tweaked my medications while I was there.

My son had some serious issues when he was first born. He had too much amniotic fluid because he was born via c-section and he didn’t get to have it all squeezed out during birth. He couldn’t be laid down flat without gagging and choking. Well, my husband ran to get food the day after he was born and my mom was changing his diaper. He stopped breathing and began turning blue. The nurses didn’t respond to my page right away because they were busy with other patients so my mom ran into the hallway yelling that my little guy was turning blue. Then, after sort of failing to really get food allergies, we discovered that he was allergic to milk and soy. We later discovered that he’s also allergic to whole eggs, not just the protein that most people are allergic to. So we had an interesting start.

I didn’t have a therapist for part of this time and when I did go back we went back to focusing on DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, skills as they had been so helpful in the past. This was definitely the right decision for me as they have helped me through many tough times.

Most recently, I have been using GIVE and DEAR MAN quite a bit. GIVE is for maintaining a relationship while DEAR MAN is a skill of assertiveness for asking for what you want or saying no to a request. Using them together has been very beneficial, especially for my marriage. I can word things in a way so that I’m not being aggressive with my husband, but I can ask for what I need. My husband tends to default to I always screw up and this has sort of prevented that in some instances so we can actually talk about a situation.

We also renewed our vows for our 10 month anniversary last month. That also required some self soothing skills to get through the anxiety the few days before when things were still being prepared. I was finding things that I found calming and relaxing and doing them.

Oh – and I’m recovering from a concussion that I suffered 4 weeks ago. Things are finally so much better, but taking care of the boys and grocery shopping and a few other things bring back the symptoms so I’m doing the things that don’t cause symptoms to flare and avoiding others. I have a babysitter until Friday in the hopes that everything is A-OK starting next week. I’ll have a positive update on my condition soon hopefully. When I had my CT scan 2 weeks ago, the doc said it was going to take time and rest so time and rest it is.