Ponderings expressed in song lyrics

I went to see Barenaked Ladies recently. It was my 9th show and I always have a blast. It isn’t the same since Steven Page left especially since they could never perform my favorite song, Break Your Heart, without him. None of them has the voice for it. In fact, the Barenaked Ladies and Persuasions album had a better version of Old Apartment than the one Ed sings because of the voice the man in the Persuasions has. It has a richer more soulful sound and I think he did a better job hitting the high notes.

Pinch Me

Anyway, I was thinking about the following lyrics from Pinch Me which was written by Steven Page and Ed Robertson. Sadly, there have been periods that I could relate to this, especially during periods of deep depression:

“On an evening such as this
It’s hard to tell if I exist
If I packed a car and leave this town
Who’ll notice that I’m not around?”

I have seriously contemplated who would miss me if I wasn’t around or if I would be less of a burden if I just left. This was a serious symptom of my postpartum mood disorder. I regularly wanted to leave. I wonder if there will always be periods, always be episodes, where I will wonder if I exist, where I will wonder if people just won’t notice that I am gone.

I know this is a pretty depressing and introspective post, but I honestly have had these thoughts and feelings. It’s as though someone was able to delve into the depths of my brain and say what I have thought and felt and been too afraid to say.

Perhaps, it’s just me, but I’ve always found music therapeutic and this is just one example of this. It really made me think about these periods as I was sitting there having an amazing time at this concert. So, for today, I will continue to keep these lyrics in mind knowing there’s a time where they will help me through.

Advertisements

Am I in for an episode?

Sleep has been inconsistent and elusive and I worry that I may be in for an episode of depression or mania. There have been events around the end of the school year that have impacted my mental health as well.

I wonder if I am due for an episode. It’s been a week without a night of solid sleep. I’m still tired so that’s a very good sign for me. I need to get sleep though or I am going to swing one way or another and parenting while depressed or manic is very difficult. I can barely take care of myself and sometimes I cannot even do that. Thus, I’m trying to ward off the demon lurking in the shadows.

It started with missing my morning medications twice this week. My routine was thrown off and I just forgot. It wasn’t anything intentional and I would never intentionally skip any medication without speaking to a physician first. I know my illness cannot go treated without a medication in my case. I have tried and then I ended up fighting for stability for years. I’m not going to fall into that trap again where I think I can do without the medications or that I am better off without them for whatever reason.

For me, at the time, it was the desire to have children. I felt, based on some opinions off ill-informed medical professionals, that being on medication would result in children who had horrible birth defects. Later, talking to people who actually understood the research and work with people with mood disorders, I learned that no two medications are equal and neither are any two patients. There is solid data around the effects of medication in pregnancy and a patient can do research around these medications with their psychiatrist and, perhaps, more of an expert.

Lack of sleep is a trigger for depression, mania, and mixed episodes for me. I think that it might be time to take something to help me sleep. I need to do all I can to control an illness that is sometimes uncontrollable.

Speaking of the lurking demon

My son’s last day of school was Wednesday and there was a family day on Friday. My social anxiety was out in full force to the point where I had stomach problems all morning before the event. I couldn’t stay home because my son was looking forward to this for two weeks. He even knew the date on the calendar. I knew I didn’t have a physical ailment so that was out of the question as an excuse.

I didn’t let the demon win. I went to the event knowing my husband would be there for a time and I believed that would be helpful. In reality, his presence wasn’t helpful because we took a divide and conquer approach with the boys and we were separated most of the time. I avoided the other parents like the plague as I was petrified. I did say goodbye and thank you to his teacher who is not returning next year. I did it though. I went. I let my son play with his friends and do the various activities. My anxiety didn’t stop him from having a good time. The demon didn’t win.

I immediately felt better upon leaving. I was no longer shaking and my stomach had settled. I used this time as a learning experience for my son. He knows I have a mental illness and we’ve talked about it before. I explained that was really hard for mommy and that we should do those things that are hard for us. We should try to do those things that are not easy.

Final proud mama brag

My speech delayed vision impaired son had a perfect report card. I’m not sure how to refer to his vision problem so vision impaired might not be the correct terminology and if that’s the case, I’m sorry.

He had Ms for meets expectations for everything. The M means that the kids are kindergarten ready in those particular areas and the goal is to have all Ms in the June before Kindergarten. Well, my kiddo has another year before he enters kindergarten and I’m so proud!! I knew he was smart, but I’m so excited that his issues aren’t holding him back.