Father’s Day is Here

Father’s Day is a trigger for me due to the history I have with my father. I got through today by honoring the fathers that serve as examples to others.

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Last night my husband and I got a date night and saw the Barenaked Ladies. We almost missed it because we had some serious issues with a sitter. I accidentally asked our sitter for Friday night instead of Saturday. It worked out in the end though. I had a blast and it was my 9th show and my husband’s 4th. I don’t know why I have so much fun, but I do. It’s not the same since Steven Page is gone because the other guys singing his parts doesn’t sound as good. I just found out Steven released a new album though and I have heard little blips and I love the content. It’s dark and it’s about recovery.

Father’s Day and my father

I don’t have any contact with my father so for me Father’s Day is a trigger to all of the verbal and emotional abuse that I experienced at his hands as a child. This year, I have used mindfulness and maybe a bit of the wise mind ACCEPTS skills today. I’m focusing on what is going on today, at this very moment, and today I see how loving my husband is towards our children. I see how happy they make him and how good of a father he is to the boys, both setting boundaries and comforting them.

I’m also making a special dinner to honor him tonight. I’m making baked ziti with salad. I also bought bread and ice cream cake for dessert. My 2 year old egg allergic son can eat it which was one of the reasons I bought it instead of a different cake. The sauce for dinner has been on the stove since about noon. I simmer it low and slow for hours. My oldest even helped me make it and he’s so proud of himself.

We have to call my father-in-law to wish him a happy Father’s Day and sitting here thinking about it is making me sad. It’s not the same wishing him a happy Father’s Day as it would be to my biological father as there should be two people that I’m wishing this to.

My four year old didn’t know I had a father for a while. He just assumed that I’d been born without one. I was doing our family tree and I had to explain that I had a dad, but he was mean and he hurt grandma. I told him that he’d never have to meet him. He has seen him thought at a family event. My father has never seen my youngest child, at least not in person.

This day makes me wonder whether or not I will regret not seeing him before he dies. Hubby says that I will never know how I will feel at his death, but he knows that nothing good will come of his re-entry into my life. My siblings have also cutoff contact with him and my husband rightfully feels that there’s a reason for that.

He gave me by bipolar diagnosis. I can trace it back at least 3 generations on his side of the family. One of my relatives was diagnosed as insane and wasn’t allowed to enter the US. My father is still in denial that he has bipolar disorder though which is one of the reasons that his children avoid him. Untreated, he is abusive and cruel.

I have two blessings to honor today though. My husband is the best father that I have ever known. He is loving, fun, kind but sets boundaries, and he makes time for them, even when work and other things get in the way. We also honor my father-in-law who raised my husband.

Mood Update

I got a big chunk of sleep though I still only got 6 hours which isn’t typically enough for me. I feel good today though. I’m neither up nor down. Right now, my anxiety is in check as well. Perhaps, last night’s fantastic date night is just what I needed to get back on track. I have also been consistently busy, but it was low stress. Structure has always been helpful. Hopefully, the pattern will continue. My husband and I agreed to a check-in tonight to determine if I need to call the psychiatrist to quickly nip any potential episode in the bud early. At this point, I think this weekend has warded the call and kept the demon in hibernation.

The weather and my mood

I have been down lately and I think the weather is to blame.  I tend to feel down on rainy cloudy days and we’ve had several in a row.  We finally have some sun this afternoon and I’m a bit more cheerful today.  We have been experiencing a great deal of cloudy rainy cool weather.  Since I’ve been down, my sleep has been thrown off.

Two nights ago, the night I started this blog, I tried mindfulness meditation to sleep.  The meditation was a body scan where you relax your body one part at a time – starting from your toes.  I couldn’t concentrate on the recording because of my mood.  I have this fear of SIDS – that one day Jimmy V will stop breathing and I won’t be able to revive him.  I don’t want to buy a house with a pool or near water for fear he’ll drown.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep.  I was up every couple of hours and it wasn’t because my son, Jimmy V, was awake.  The alarm on our baby monitor went off at 1 AM last night signaling that it couldn’t detect movement.  I felt like my worst fears were being realized.  I nearly had a heart attack and my first thought was call 911.  I ran into Jimmy V’s room where I discovered he was fine and stretching.  He moved off of the motion sensor in his sleep.  I had already been having trouble sleeping and this made matters worse.  My heart was racing.

Jimmy V woke up for the day at 3:50 AM.  Typically, Daddy gets up with him when he gets ready for work, but the baby was awake before 4 AM.  I walked into his room and he smiled at me.  I fed him and changed him and put him into his swing.  He just kept cooing and speaking baby talk.

Fortunately, I got to take a nap that lasted 30 minutes this afternoon.  Jimmy V took a short nap which gave me the opportunity to rest.  I felt a little bit recharged – especially when I saw that the sun had finally started shining.

It is supposed to be sunny here for Fathers Day weekend so hopefully my mood will pick up.  I don’t qualify for a clinical diagnosis of depression yet since it’s only been about a week downturn.  I am not due to see my psychiatrist for a while so I will keep an eye on it.  I will contact her if things do not improve with the change in the weather.  I will talk to my therapist about it tomorrow.