Well, I brought a written copy of an emotion regulation skill that I had used in a situation to therapy. My therapist was very impressed and we ended up teasing through the issues that were outlined including talking about things that perhaps weren’t issues, but more worded awkwardly.
This was the check the facts skill to see if the emotions that I was feeling matched the prompting event. First, I described the emotions as feeling alone and insecure. Then, I went through the event that happened when these feelings came up without emotion or judgment. I went through just the facts stating where I was at the time and the fact that I was speaking to my husband about something and his responses. This wasn’t an argument, but he had simply said that he didn’t know what to say.
Then, I went through my interpretations, thoughts and assumptions while giving other scenarios. I gave my point of view which was that I felt disconnected from my husband because he didn’t say the words that I was hoping to hear. I felt alone and like I wasn’t able to communicate what I needed to him or like we were on different pages. He doesn’t understand how that feels. I know that he doesn’t understand the disconnected feeling that I get when certain topics come up. He says he never feels that way so he just doesn’t understand. Based on this, he wouldn’t necessarily know what to say when I’m feeling that way. He’s also just plain not good about talking about subjects having to do with physical attraction. This went on a little bit going back and forth.
Next, I labeled whatever threats I felt would result from this particular situation if it just hung around. I felt like I could feel rejected and resentful. This is a real threat. It could happen; however, the likelihood is slim as this will be dropped. If it is something that is worth bringing up further, it is something that could be discussed in marriage counseling again preventing or reducing feelings of rejection and resentment.
It goes on to catastrophe and I really had trouble coming up with one. I think that’s a good thing. I suppose the worst possible thing would be ending up alone. There would be nothing worse than losing my family.
The last asks if the emotion and the intensity are warranted and gives examples of when emotions are warranted. Well, for me, this was warranted, but the intensity didn’t match the event. In the end though, the intensity of the emotion was significantly reduced just by writing this stuff out.
This morning, I was ruminating over something that happened in the past while I was in bed. I couldn’t go to sleep so I got up. The change of scenery helped. Then, I did the same exercise. Somehow, I went from bad morning to great day. My therapist wants me to do this all the time and I’m excited because it has been successful for me so far.
***The Check the Facts is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill which was developed by Marsha Linehan.